by James Tamm

A co-worker responds with anger whenever someone disagrees with him. An employee buries her boss in piles of irrelevant information when she is asked a question. These behaviors might appear different, but they are just variations of the same problem – defensiveness. Additional forms of defensive behavior include habitually claiming, "I already knew that, "when corrected, rationalizing or explaining away every misstep… or chronically making fun of others to deflect from oneself.

Defensive people believe that their reactions protect them from outside attack, and are unconsciously trying to shield themselves from their own doubts about significance, competence or likeability.

We all get defensive sometimes, but most of us learn to limit our defensive tendencies. Those who don’t curb their defensiveness make life difficult for themselves and those who live and work with them. Defensive behavior promotes conflict and divisiveness, encourages rigid thinking that stifles creativity, and brings out the defensiveness in others.

Dealing with Defensive People

The best way to blunt other people’s defensiveness is to not become defensive yourself. If you start to get upset, remind yourself that this person’s defensiveness is rooted in his insecurities and has little to do with you. Arguing back will only make the person more insecure. Instead - BE A GOOD LISTENER. After the emotional moment has passed, offer the person a chance to speak with you about the situation that led to the defensiveness. During the conversation, resist the urge to evaluate, criticize or suggest. Just listen intently. Summarize what you’re hearing to make sure you understand, and to make sure the person knows that you are really listening. CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARGUE. Try "interest based negotiation.”With this strategy, your first goal is to state your opponent’s underlying interests to his satisfaction. Your second goal is for him to do the same to you. Only then do you start proposing solutions. This creates an atmosphere of understanding that makes defensiveness less likely.

Managing your own Defensiveness

The most difficult step in overcoming defensiveness in yourself is acknowledging that you are indeed defensive. You probably consider your responses to perceived criticisms to be rational and justified when they occur. Reconsider them after the moment of confrontations has passed. Do they still seem appropriate, or were they unwarranted and unhelpful? If you’re not certain, ask your spouse or a trusted friend, and try not to get defensive at the reply. MONITOR YOUR THOUGHTS. If your mind is telling you, "this guy is out to get me," or "she doesn’t think I’m very smart," you’re likely to become increasingly defensive. Respond to negative thoughts with positive self-talk. DEVELOP A REACTION APPROPRIATE TO YOUR PARTICULAR FORM OF DEFENSIVENESS. If you tend to flood others with information when you feel attacked, force yourself to remain quiet for a full minute. If you tend to shut down, push yourself to say something. If you counterattack when you feel confronted, take a few deep breaths and find something that you can agree with in what is being said.

These are times when we must defend ourselves against verbal attacks but these times are rare, and knee-jerk defensiveness isn’t effective anyway. Defensive reactions make us feel temporarily better about ourselves but rarely paint us or our opinions in a favorable light. Defensiveness provides no defense; it only makes us seem less credible.

Executive Travel ~ Karlin Sloan

1. Know thy limitations – One big challenge for all of us who choose to break out on your own and start our own venture is to remember just how human we really are. You cannot slave away until 3 a.m. every day and expect your work to come out well. Remember, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Think about just how much you can do, and don’t try to do more. The big idea here – to make sure you don’t burn out before your business has a chance to take on a life of its own.

2. Play to thy strengths – As well as remembering our limitations, we should remember to spend 90 percent of our time doing what we are the very best at doing. Much of your time may be spent filling multiple rolls and running full steam ahead on things that may not be your forte. Remember you’re in business because you are good at something. Do that, and get other people to fill in where you’re least valuable.

3. Bring in help when possible – The best decision I ever made as an entrepreneur was to spend the money necessary to get some high quality help: a good lawyer, accountant, administrative support and people who are experts where I fall short. Why not hire an admin to help, and spend my time doing what I am good at – talking to my clients?!

4. And thy help must be good help - it is better to invest your time and money in finding the best professional for the job, whatever that job may be. When interviewing candidates, make sure you ask your prospective vendor or employee questions about their previous experience.

5. Thou shalt leave work everyday – This hearkens back to something you have already mastered by this point – knowing your limitations. In order to build a successful, profitable business, you need to make your business practices sustainable. That means taking care of your personal boundaries around time and health. Leaving work doesn’t just mean going home at night. It means forgetting about work for at least a short time every day. This is easier said than done since many entrepreneurial types obsess about every detail of the company’s development.

6. Thou shalt prioritize – As, Stephen Covey says "Put first things first." There is never enough time to do everything, so what’s the most important on your list? Prioritizing doesn’t have to be painful. Just take 5 – 10 minutes a day to review your to-do list, and keep your eyes on the prize- focus your priorities on your long-term goals, rather than what seems most pressing for the day.

7. To thy customer, pay attention- Listening to your customers is an art form. Test your ideas, and don’t be so focused on your beautiful product or service that you forget what your customer really wants. Two questions to ask your customers are: "What do you value most about our product/service?" and "What could we do to improve our product/service?"

8. Get thee to a coach – It takes great ideas, great action and great help to create and run a successful business. An experienced executive coach will offer a consistent, supportive voice – and, if you find the right one, may also offer expertise in running a growing organization. A coach will not be with you all day, every day like an employee or business partner, but he or she is there specifically to make you more successful, efficient, and effective. That lack of self-interest can be refreshing when you are the boss and everyone around you looks to you for answers and rewards.

9. Bootstrap thyself - A wise venture capitalist said to me "Microsoft, Apple, all the big ones, really bootstrapped themselves before they went for funding. When you gamble with your own money, you are much more likely to make good."

10. Thou shalt assume the best – In the 1950’s, Napoleon Hill wrote a book that continues to encourage entrepreneurs everywhere: Thin and Grow Rich. The book is a compilation of wisdom Hill gathered from famous wealthy businessmen, including Carnegie and Hearst, who had created great empires. These men had some things in common, and one of them was the fierce belief that they would succeed and that every failure was an opportunity to learn more in order to achieve that success.